Elements of a Happy Marriage
This is a combination of three lectures delivered by Ayatollah Dr Sayyid Fadhil H Al-Milani
Allah ta’ala tells us in the holy Quran:
{وَمِنْ آَيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً}
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” [al-Room, 30:21]
In another verse He describes the relationship between husband and wife as follows:
{هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ}
“They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.”[al-Baqarah, 2:187]
In another Ayah, whilst ordering Muslims to marry, He promises to provide for those who are suffering from poverty by saying:
{إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ}
“If they are poor Allah will, out of His grace, give them means, Allah is bounteous,All-knowing Quran.” [al-Nur, 24:32]
From the first Ayah one easily concludes that it is not only the mercy and love which one may expect from marriage, rather there are many signs for those who ponder. When we combine all the above quotations, we notice that the advantages of marriage in the eye of Allah are as follow:
Each is a garment for another. This refers to each one protects and is fit in size and compatibility the other. Marriage will lead to increase in provision and wealth. The Prophet (S.A.W) said: Who ever avoids marriage in fear of financial difficulties, has indeed missed his trust in Allah. al-Mizan, vol. 15, p. 117.
* * *
Surely it is an adequate realization by each partner of the needs of the other, and an imaginative and determined effort to meet them.
Take the primary need for bodily comfort. A wife will find scope for her domestic skills in meeting this need in her husband. And if she realizes it is a primary need, she will make every effort to meet it. Her
attempts to do this are not only assurances to the household that somebody cares; they will make him content because a fundamental need is being met.
So the everyday chores of being a housewife, the cooking, cleaning and laundering do contribute to a happy married life, because if they were omitted, the husband would wonder whether his wife cared.
A wife needs constant reassurance of her husband's love. And this should be demonstrated not only with obvious endearments but by actions which save her discomfort like checking the central heating, in bad weather particularly, and seeing that the home is warm enough. He should remember how much she enjoys the occasional cup of tea or even bringing her food to her bed when she feels tired, and now and again some flowers or a little gift.
There is also the universal desire to escape at times. Both must recognize this need in the other and see that it is met. This is where recreation, outside interests, `treats' and holidays both religious and of relaxation come in. There must be periodic breaks from the routine.
So if it's three months since you took your wife out for a walk or dinner, it's time you did something about it. Maybe she likes to escape into a novel; then get her in a book occasionally, even though it's only from the library.
If your husband seeks escape in some hobby or pursuit, don't nag him for the mess he makes. He'll be a happier, more contented partner for that hobby. Rather, take an interest in it, ask questions about it, drop a word of praise or appreciation occasionally.
By the way, he would think you were just wonderful if you bought him some little tool or accessory connected with it.
Another primary need is to be noticed, admired, liked. If a wife begins to ignore her husband's good qualities, and so far forgets herself as to belittle him before friends or the children, she has only herself to blame if he is attracted to others.
A man must realize that a marriage ceremony has not destroyed his wife's desire for admiration. She likes to be told as much now that she looks charming or that her hair-style suits her as she did on the wedding
night. Also, let him not be so selfish and thoughtless as not to notice the many things she does for him, for the home and the children.
Both man and woman should continue to take a pride in their appearance, ensuring always that they are clean and well-groomed.
Most marriage troubles spring from unsatisfactory private relationships. It is doubtful if any marriage has foundered where there has been a recognition on both sides of the natural desires of the other and a
genuine, unrestrained effort made to meet them. In many cases that effort is never made. Hundreds of women still come to marriage with no idea of the part that private relationship plays in a man's life, and
they are horrified and consequently unresponsive when he reveals this strongest of all primary wants.
A master key to marital bliss is the simple and obvious one of mutual consideration. To develop this, let each place himself imaginatively in the place of the other. It is then merely a question of asking yourself
how you would feel in those circumstances and how you would like the other to behave towards you. Then, of course, there must be ACTION.
Once you strengthened your marriage, you head for establishing a family and being a parent.
Psychology has revealed that many of the emotional troubles which bedevil adult life have their origin in the earliest years of infancy and were initiated by well-meaning but blundering parents. The moral is that parents should acquaint themselves with some of the findings of psychology on this matter.
Here are some guidelines:
A young infant doesn't think and it can barely see. It is conscious only of what it can feel. It therefore needs the utmost security and comfort, particularly those sensual comforts deriving from proximity to the mother's breast.
Always bear in mind that a child is a person. The fact that they are small makes no difference. Soon they have a temperament, feelings, hopes, fears, loves, hatreds, just as adults. The child likes to make things as the adults do. He likes to be praised and feel successful as they do. He values his possessions, likes his comforts as they do. Like them, too, he wants to feel secure, loved, wanted.
Adults hate to be frustrated; so does a child. Adults call his reactions a tantrum; there is no one to call their reactions anything! Because he is a person he hates to be whisked away from some interest. As a person
and not a paragon he will sometimes be lazy, thoughtless, ungrateful, untidy.
Bearing these things in mind, always be considerate with a child. Never expect too much. Your child is an ordinary, erring human, weak and ignorant.
Because he has not yet learned to co-ordinate his movements, he will be slow and clumsy, and often make mistakes. But he has plenty of native confidence.
When they become teenagers, see that you are never an aggressive, unpredictable tyrant. Instead, aim at being a reliable friend. Suggest and advise rather than command and bully. If you must impose your will, give reasons rather than be arbitrary.